The season is upon us. Gifts needed. Gifts hoped for. Gifts dreaded.

What to get? Where to get it? How to escape consumerism, when you, like I do, love giving and receiving gifts? How to hide disappointment and lie successfully when well-intended gifts don’t hit the spot, as to not hurt the feelings of the giver? How to hide the embarrassment when funds are so stretched that gift giving can no longer occur? How to avoid credit card debts when caution is thrown to the wind? How to give freely while wanting to discard unspoken reciprocity rules and assumptions, and not be overbearing? How to feel not obliged when flooded with unexpected presents? How to say no to receiving when longing to break the cycle without breaking the underlying relationship?

I thought I’d do a quick survey of the psychological literature to figure out what we know about gift giving. Wouldn’t you know it, the first things popping up in the search were ubiquitous articles in consumer research publications, about gifts and philanthropy among others – how to rope in donors by giving them something (hear me, OPB membership drive???) and ways to surreptitiously force people into expanding gift giving in ever widening social circles.

The next large area was anthropology: how did cultural contexts determine gift exchanges, a custom as old as history and universal across different cultures? As a form of reciprocity it was assumed to integrate societies, and to communicate in symbolic ways about social dimensions of power, status and/or desire for connection. It greased the gears of economic exchange, consolidated political power (note that women were given as “gifts” into alliance marriages, slaves were given as “gifts” to appease conquerers,) solidified peace treaties, and created obligations ($2 billion for Jared Kushner’s equity firm from the Saudis ain’t just good will, one might speculate.)

Last but not least, from an anthropological perspective, gifts were universally used to socialize. Want that toy – better behave! Even charitable giving, seemingly without hidden motive, can be transactional as well – just think of greenwashing or the tycoons who give to museums and concert halls, trying to distance themselves from their role as merchants of death – just ask the Guggenheim or the Tate about the Sacklers. Or New York’s Museum of Modern Art, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the Mayo Clinic and the Guggenheim who accepted millions of dollars from tycoons aligned with Russian President Vladimir Putin, including several who are the targets of Western sanctions.

In cultural contexts, then, gifts are a form of contract and a way of shaping behavior and expectations. Reciprocity is generally assumed and needed to keep the cycle going. Giving too much, too little or too late can strain relationships to the point of cracking.

So what’s up with the gift giving in our own lives, at this fraught time of year? Current Directions in Psychological Science tells me that we have to look at what givers and recipients, respectively, focus on and how alignment in those two perspective matters. For one, people often prefer to receive gifts of potential experiences, rather than objects and consumer goods. Secondly, people really prefer gifts that they explicitly wanted (go to that couple’s registry at Target, don’t surprise them with an unrequested gift, no matter how extravagant!) while gift givers think the surprise would be a smashing success. Gift recipients don’t care as much about the price of a gift, while givers think it matters.

Givers also assume that a gift that reflects its recipient (I give her a gift card for Powells, she loves books!) is a great hit. Recipients disagree, on the whole, preferring versatility (give me a Visa gift card I can use anywhere, for what I need most.) And, surprisingly, since it is opposite to my own experience (which once again goes to show n=1 is not a successful scientific predictor,) gift recipients are not particularly fond of socially responsible gifts like donations to charities. Givers might think that it is appreciated, but recipients experience little ownership value in this and would prefer traditional gifts. (Think about that for the next Bar Mitzvah in your life. Then again, our bookshelves still hold umpteen copies of the book ” The Jews of Oregon.”…) Last but not least, gifts that confer value over an extended period of time, rather than make for a brilliant splash at the moment of delivery are by far the most appreciated. That boring wooden salad bowl for the newlyweds WILL score, when still around on your 40th wedding anniversary!

I make my own gifts these days where retirement allows the time and leisure to produce needle work – knitting has turned out to be an effective therapy for frayed nerves. And the photomontages from across the year usually find their way into a calendar. I do appreciate receiving self made gifts, given that I am surrounded by so many talented friends who excel in creativity. But that requires privilege, and people should not add to their stressful lives by investing time that is already a scarce commodity. A friend and I who experienced 30 years of lovely exchanges, decided that from now on its going to be books for the other’s grandchildren in lieu of our own pleasures, to build libraries for the next generation. There’s a way to break the cycle without bad feelings and only fleeting regret since I loved her presents.

It’s still true, though, that gifts – the ones given and the ones gotten – CAN provide a lot of joy, a sense of connectedness and enrichment beyond the material value. Not everything has to be transactional, or part of structural pressures that want to stratify social relations. Just make sure there are no strings attached.

Music contains words about the Magi, the three Kings who brought gifts to Bethlehem, in the classic version – Bach’s Christmas Oratorio Cantata 5 and 6.