The temperature for the next days will be 111 F/43.88 C degrees at the highest point. In June. In the Pacific Northwest.

It is too hot to be thoughtful already. It is way too hot to be creative. So I figured I present something imaginative, learned and funny by someone who was not constrained by a heat-addled brain. I know those of you who like to cook or who like English literature, or both, (you know who you are!,) will get a kick out of it.

Is This a Dagger and Fork I See Before Me? The Menu at Shakespeare’s Diner

by Akim Reinhardt

Truly, Thou Art Damned Like an Ill-Roasted Egg: Breakfast
All the World’s a Cage Free Omelet 10.99
Get Thee to a Buttery Croissant 8.99
Brevity is the Soul of Grits 5.99
If Muesli Be the Food of Love, Play On 5.99

What a Piece of Work Is Sandwich
Oh That This Too Too Solid Patty Melt 10.99
Eh Tuna Salad, Brute? 8.99
Cry Ham Sandwich and Let Slip the Dijon of War 10.99
Love Is a Smoked Brisket Sandwich Made with the Fume of Sighs 12.99

Better Three Hours Too Soon than a Minute Too Late: Appetizers
Now is the Winter Squash of our Grilled Content 5.99
Neither a Butter Beans Nor Lentils Be  6.99
Hell Is Empty and All the Deviled Eggs Are Here 3/5.99
Now Cracked Pepper a Noble Heart of Artichokes 7.99  

Salad Days
Romaine, Romaine! Wherefore art thou Romaine? 5.99
Two Beets (Red and Golden) or Not Two Beets (Just Red), That is the Salad 9.99
I Come to Eat Caesar Salad Raw, Not to Braise It 8.99
A Woman Would Run Through Fire and Water for Such a Kind Heart of Palm Salad
   11.99

For I Was an Hungred, and Ye Gave Me Meat
Love Not a Gaping Pig Pork Chops 29.95
   (Chef’s Recommendation: Be Not Afraid of Gravy)
Oh What A Piece of Meat this is, How Infinite in Seasoning 31.95
   (Chef’s Recommendation: If You Prick It, Does it Not Bleed?)
I Am a Great Eater of Beef Stroganoff, and I Believe That Does Harm to My Wit 32.99
Old Black Ram and White Ewe Mutton 34.95

Fair is Fowl and Fowl is Fair
A Roasted Breast By Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet 13.99
There are More Wings in Hot Sauce and Herbs 9.99 

Tis Well Thou Art Not Fish
To Thine Own Salmon Be True  26.99
The Lady Doth Poaches Turbot Methinks 34.99

Pasta Is Such Sweet Sorrow
Full of Sauce and Fury, Signifying Farfalle 12.99
The Alfredo, Dear Brutus, Is Not in Our Stars, but in Our Spaghetti 10.99
Let Him Be Damned, Like the Gluten-free Penne 15.99

Lard The Lean Earth as You Walk Along: Diet Items
Be Not Afraid of Great Stir Fry 10.99
A Foul and Pestilent Congregation of Vegetables and Rice Pilaf 9.99
Soft, What Lite Cottage Cheese and Fruit Through Yonder Whole Wheat Rolls Bakes? 7.99

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Falstaff: Sides
Young French Fry of Treachery 4.99
Horseradish! Horseradish! A Kingdom for Some Horseradish! 1.99
Uneasy Lies the Head that Wears the Crown of Broccoli 3.50
All that Glitters is Not Gold Yukon Potatoes 5.99
Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer Squash? 4.99
We Are Such Stuffing as Dinners are Made On 4.99

Come, Gentlemen, I Hope We Shall Drink Down All Unkindness and Drive Responsibly: Beverages
Lord, What Fools These Milkshakes Be! Chocolate, Vanilla, or Strawberry 5.99
What, You Egg Cream! 4.99
The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smoothies 6.99
What’s Pabst Is Prologue 4.00/Can
Jack Daniels, Toil and Trouble 5/Single, 9/Double, Double, 11/Cocktails
There’s Small Choice in Rotten Pepsi Products 1.99, Free Re-Fills

The Better Part of Valour is Dessert
We Few, We Happy Few, We Band of Assorted Cookies 6.99
(May contain fusty nuts with no kernel, ask server for details)
Goodnight, Goodnight, Sweet Pints: Chocolate or Vanilla Ice Cream 3.99/scoop
This Brave Rotating Dessert Case, This Majestical Shelf Fretted with
Golden Cake and Pie 5.99/Slice
Mango Delights Me Not Sorbet 4.99/scoop
Sugar-Free Sweets to the Sweet 5.99
This Blessed Plumb, This Pear, This Raspberry, This Creme Anglaise 7.99

Unquiet Meals Make Ill Digestifs
O Thou Invisible Spirit of Dessert Wine 7.99/glass
I Would Give All of My Fame for a Pot of Amaro and Safety 8.99
As If It Felt with Single Malt Scotch and Yelled Out 12.99

Every good servant does not all commands, but please tip generously!

Is he on his horse? O happy horse, to bear the weight of Antony and use our
complementary valet parking!

This menu first appeared at 3 Quarks Daily

What shall it be, food for love, or love of food?

Music is from the Baltimore Consort‘s concert program, “The Food of Love: Songs, Dances and Fancies for Shakespeare.” (12th Night, remember, the Duke proclaiming: “If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die.”)